Breathing Underwater

When my last boyfriend of 4 years, Adam, walked out, he did just that. He announced that he would be leaving, and less than a week later, the movers came to take all of his stuff. The next day I woke up and went to work, as usual, and that evening, came home to an empty house for the first time. All of the living room furniture was gone, lots of the kitchen stuff; our apartment, MY apartment was changed. The apartment was as empty as my heart felt.

A dear friend of mine called, and excitedly announced that he and some of his friends were going to see The Avengers in 3D and that I should come! I asked when, and he said, “Now! Come on!” Usually I would have to make sure that Adam was okay being by himself, that he could stay entertained (he struggled with drug addiction and when I left him home alone, he was guaranteed to get high while I was gone-idle hands you know) and that he was okay if I left for a few hours to see friends.

That night, after a moment of deliberation, I accepted his invitation. I picked up my purse, grabbed my keys and walked out the door. It was one of those moments that was so much bigger than it’s self. I could do what I wanted and not have to answer to anyone. I didn’t have to ask for permission or schedule this a day in advance. I wanted to go, so I too, walked out.

I went out and saw the movie and afterwards, my gut instinct was pulling me to hurry home. I had to tell it to be quiet because no one was waiting for me. I could go anywhere I wanted with anyone I wanted. It was an odd feeling. I can only compare it to being underwater for a long time. You eventually (metaphorically) learn to breathe underwater, even if it means growing gills. You think it will get easier, but water is thicker than air to breathe. One day you poke your head above the surface and grasp for air. It is a shock to your system, and for a little while, you’re not used to the thinness of the air, and the larger amount of O2 but quickly you realize it’s so much easier to breathe air than it is to breathe water. You had forgotten how nice and easy it was, but this fresh rush of clean, easy oxygen into your lungs feels great.

It’s not always that any person you are with puts you underwater, or even drags you underwater like a kelpie, its that sometimes you start wading in the water, and soon its over your head. It’s such a slow and gradual process, you don’t even notice that the air has turned to water and your SELF, your personality has been stunted, trying to fit into someone else’s life, someone else’s mold.